Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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