so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
