i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
