I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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