I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
