I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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