why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize