im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
