I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
im on a boat
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