Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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