I just saw a hot homeless man
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
