i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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