You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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