I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
