We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
