Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
