i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
3 2 1 whiskey
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
