do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
