If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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