im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
