so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
