just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize