Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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