I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
