Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
