My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
