I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
