I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
