Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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