we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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