I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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