i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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