Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
