I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
