Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
