I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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