in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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