I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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