please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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