I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Found your dick twin last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
