Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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