clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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