my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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