I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
