Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Semen is not good for contacts.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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