he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize