Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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