Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
