Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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