You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
