I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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