Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
