I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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