i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
meet me or not, i'm out of control
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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