I faked an abortion last night.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
