Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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