it was like his penis was on wheels.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
