Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
