life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
