her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
