If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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