Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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