he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
