What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
